Sushi,

I've read some of your backstory previously and I hope you can find away to practice self-compassion.

It seems to me you are unconsciously trying to prove you are unlovable, even to yourself.

I think in a way, you are doing this because you invested so much love in the relationship and for the man in question that your world has been turned upside down based on his words that now you are trying, in a way, to prove his words to be true.

These are his shortcomings, not yours...

Please practice self-compassion... we all feel like fish out of water when a significant relationship ends... so go easy on yourself. I've done crazy stuff being newly single again and I look back and see a person who was really hurting and trying to get away from the hurt. That, too, may be happening in your case.

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))