Dear T,
Feeling really useless right now as a wife and parent. I feel like I already gave H more details than I'm comfortable with in what's going on with me--a different gross thing this time. And I can't bring myself to go into more detail with him, so he probably thinks I'm just being pathetic and malingering. And I feel bad letting D down, but yesterday I was willing to go outside with her, and she didn't want me to, so it's not like I'm totally shirking my duties.

Of course, I'm also worried about how I'll handle things with his upcoming surgery. Putting it all on my calendar just seemed like so much. I know, I'm acting like a victim. It's not like I'm the one having surgery. Though you wouldn't say that, I don't think--you've said recently (and back in May) how it is a lot of responsibility on me. Hm, maybe it's also that you and I had a big rupture around that time?

And I could never tell you this, but part of me is also debating whether I should still go to the beach for a few days, if that works out, in part because that would mean meeting virtually with you during that time. And with the articles now about the more contagious forms of Omicron, what if there is a limit to how many in-person sessions we'll be able to have? But that's a stupid reason to not go to the beach--I'd like to think that the peace I'd get from the time away would count for more than a couple in-person sessions. I really think where this is coming from is how we had the big conflict (about me having the victim mentality with my family having Covid) right before the last time I went to the beach. So that's looming in my mind, even though it was 2 months ago now.

It also seems like there's no ideal time to go, like H says it's fine if I'm not home on his b-day, but is it really? I feel like it's important to go to his family dinner, but that's 2 days before. And my mom is being all cagey about when they'll be going down there again after this current time. Plus I probably should get my booster and flu shot in there somewhere... I don't know, I'm just rambling. Hope I'm in OK shape to see you in person tomorrow.

Love,
LT