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Originally Posted by eskielover
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Oh, I have a daughter who survived through those years also & my trying to survive screwed with her life too. After I left, & I knew she wasn't blaming me for leaving her dad, we had long chats about the past & I asked her to forgive me for the way I had reacted. Those talks helped me forgive myself too. & BTW I had 13 really bad years at the end where I was in & out of mental hospitals due to suicide attempts.
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Kudos to you and your daughter. Talking it through with the other person can be healing, I am sure.
Some 16 years ago, I befriended a man online and we talked of many dark things. He went and hurt someone and then he committed suicide. Little of this is confirmed, but it is what I pieced together over the years and for all intents and purposes to me it is true.
I cannot talk it through with the victim. I do not know her name and I wouldn't reach out to her even if I did. It is not my place to ... ask for forgiveness? retraumatize her? etc.
I was still a teen then, if barely. He was in his 40s. We were very bad for each other. The thing is that the violent fantasies I had on and off from the age of 6 never left after this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover
Leaving that environment changed my thinking & lots of good thetapy after that in my new location made a huge difference. I was blessed because when I walked out, I left the crap behind & it did not follow me 2100 miles away. That was how I knew it was all my response to my situation & not internal to me. Probably easier to forgive ones self when that realization happens. I know I am a whole new person & have worked hard to integrate that past into my understanding. Forgiveness grew out of that
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Leaving is something I have tried, and failed at. When I moved back to my home town, I wondered if it would bring up things from the past and was determined to work through them if it did. And, well, it did and I am.
I can't say I wasn't prepared for the emotional wall I am facing, and I don't regret starting to work through this, but it doesn't make it easier. The rare moments/ periods where I am "free" show me the person I would be if that aspect of me weren't a part of me. But it is and while I have troubles accepting it, I do identify with it, if that makes sense... it's like a ball I drag behind myself. I'm chained to it. Picking it up and throwing it away at best leads to me comically flying through the air for a second and crashing into it after.
I don't think this is situational. It's always a part of me, no matter where I go. It's just worse here, which may be ideal to working through it.
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