Quote:
Originally Posted by Discombobulated
I’m not sure if this is helpful (I don’t fully understand what happened in your past) but myself I always find it helpful to remember that we often do the best we can in the situation we find ourselves in. That doesn’t mean we did everything right - not at all - it means we did the best we could with the resources we had at the time. Resources meaning our family of origin, our education, social background, that sort of thing. It all feeds in to how we cope and react in any given situation.
If you think about that maybe it’s true there were factors beyond your control that lead to you making certain choices or reactions? This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility- you can still do that, but perhaps you can begin to understand the path you took a little better. In turn maybe self compassion may develop (don’t worry if it doesn’t at this point).
|
See my post above ^^^ for an outline of what troubles me most. I will spare you the details. This forum is mainly for victims. My position is more on the opposite side of the victim-perpetrator spectrum.
I did not do the best I could back then. I was neglected, emotionally, by my family. Other than that there is not much evidence of abuse (aside from spanking, that is). My education is above average, as is my social background.
There were factors beyond my control that caused my rage and my anger. But writing and thinking and planning dark things? That was me taking back control. I never before, nor since, felt that empowered and free.
Perhaps with some stretching I can have compassion with my teenagers rage, but what she did was not okay. How she chose was not okay. And I fear the choices I might make in the future.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Discombobulated
You write you are concerned about volunteering for an NCO, what if history repeats itself, you aren’t sure you trust yourself. I wonder if there are safeguards you can put in place to ensure that if there are signs you aren’t behaving as you would want to that you can take a step back and reflect? Maybe this is something you could work with a T with?
|
Perhaps. I do worry still though. What if I at some point break with reporting things to T? Like now, even, I feel a strong pull to watch shows about dark things, and while I do report if I do, I have not reported the urge. There are loopholes, and what if I at some point not decide to be honest at all? If that were the case it would be much better if I were not already in a place where I could cause damage.
T and I do have an accountability net in place, though. I designed it, even. I'm a little bit proud of that, as weird as that may be. It's really just a few scales and some context information I write down in a structured way on a daily basis.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Discombobulated
There are people who have committed serious crimes and they have served their sentences and worked on making a better life for themselves - even in these serious scenarios there’s hope when someone wants to change.
|
T said that. But I never served my sentence.
__________________
my life explained in two smileys