You should feel proud imo of the accountability net you designed and put in place with your T, everything you’ve written indicates you’ve been thinking and working hard with all this.

I understand a little more now about what you’ve been dealing with, thank you for explaining. I’m certainly no expert but I can see you’ve been experiencing some complex emotions and thoughts with your move back to your home town.

Childhood emotional neglect must be a significant experience, hoping that’s being addressed in therapy. I’m glad you write that it’s a victim perpetrator spectrum because few of us are either one or the other, and it’s very common to have experienced both at different times in life. There were likely parts of you that were a victim, within childhood emotional neglect.

I understand you write you didn’t have a sentence/punishment or at least not one imposed on you externally. It sounds like you may well have punished yourself many times over the years with regret.

On the subject of volunteering I wonder if a safer position where you aren’t in direct contact with anyone deemed vulnerable might be most appropriate? When I first began volunteering 10 years ago I was so lacking confidence in my interpersonal skills I started off doing basic admin for a charity, it was still a positive contribution and I gained in all sorts of ways from it. There’s all sorts of roles out there to consider.