I'm not sure why I reacted the way I did. I guess it's one of many unanswerable questions. Childhood emotional neglect must be part of the answer, in my case. Feeling like I never existed, unless for a specific purpose, isn't a productive foundation for life. I'd wage my good small right toe that most other people have a more productive reaction than resorting to violent fantasies, though. I've only been in therapy for about a year. We haven't yet gone very deep into my childhood. T has tried once, to introduce inner child work, but I am not in touch with my inner child sufficiently to do this so far.

I have punished myself emotionally. It's what keeps me grounded. At least that's my opinion, T sometimes seems to think differently, but he is not very outspoken in this regard.

Regarding volunteering, I'll think about it. It might take some time to become comfortable with that thought... also my schedule for the next 6 months does not allow it.