Love: I want it; I need it; and it's totally outside of my control. I can't make someone love me. I can't even make myself love some one else — or stop loving them!

How can something so central to my life be so beyond my control or understanding? Because I need love so much, I let myself be fooled by imitations. If I own more or have a more important job than most, or am more beautiful then people will admire me. That's sort of like love. If I have sex, I have the attention of another person, and I give and receive pleasure. That's sort of like love. If I indulge myself by buying luxuries, or by being meticulous about my diet and exercise, I feel as though I am treating myself well. That's sort of like loving myself. If I overeat or smoke, I am comforted. That's sort of like love. But none of it is love, and the need doesn't go away. Because I need love so much, I try to deny it. I separate myself from others, telling myself that I'm superior or inferior -- it doesn't matter which because it's just an excuse anyway. It's an excuse for avoiding the whole problem of love, as though love could just go away without taking some of my humanity with it. I tell myself that I don't need other people, but my heart cringes as I say it. What I need is to know without a doubt that I am treasured, valued, and desired. Nothing can substitute for that. Accepting the imitations of love, denying the need, thinking I can force love to exist — all of these interfere with getting the love that I need. Imitations allow me to tell myself that I'm OK, even though my heart knows differently. As long as I accept imitations, I'll never find the real thing.

No one is ever going to love me enough to give me complete confidence that I am loved. No one has that much love in them. So it truly begins and ends with me. I want to be free to love someone without it having to be perfect. And probably more importantly to receive love however they are able to give it. How they are able to give it is outside of my control.