its so outrageously hard to make meaning but the only way to start is to let the pain speak any words that come -sensible believable or not Your mind will believe and deny but we're all free to keep trying to make some meaning and discard what doesnt feel true and reclaim it again for as long as it takes. I'm sorry your in this chaos -I hope you keep talking and listening to your self and whoever can help.
Wishing there was a short-cut too
Kathy