I was wondering if a therapist has ever helped you learn to set healthy boundaries if there were issues with abuse/neglect in childhood? Or just in general?

My mother was diagnosed with a hardcore case of BPD and spent much time IP after she and my father divorced when I was six.

Mom would be loving, affectionate, adoring to an extreme one hour while the next hour she would

Possible trigger:

accuse me of bizarre things, such as stealing from her (she accused many people of stealing from her, stealing the mail, breaking into our house, and similar, odd intrusions - paranoia), insist that there were noxious fumes in the house (so would cover all the windows with black plastic tarp), pleaded with me to "respect her" ??? I was a child; frequently threatened to kill me while I was asleep, told stories about her life that were entirely made up, etc., etc. She beat me badly while she was in psychosis. In general, she was in a state of delusional rage when her BPD took over.

When she emerged from the psychosis she seemed to have no memory of it, and insisted that she was a caring, loving person. She couldn't understand why people were saying such "mean lies" about her. When my mother was stable she was an extraordinary woman. But she was a tragedy because she was tormented by mental illness all of her life. I do not hate her; her life was heartbreaking. That said, my mother caused my childhood to feel like I was on a seesaw every moment of every day.

Possible trigger:

To avoid writing a book here, I'll just say that my step-father sexually abused me for 6 years. He was a raving lunatic and an alcoholic. Extremely violent, regularly beat the crap out of my mother and absolutely destroyed our once-lovely house.

Home was hell on earth and I was a terribly depressed, anxious child, until I got into high school. I loved hs and finally had my own life there.

I am learning about boundaries by watching my t set them for herself. In addition, she directly tells me how to establish boundaries and how to self-care. It's a slow process for me. I grew up having to put my mom's needs before my own, because she required special care. Unconsciously, I did the same thing for my daughter - I always allowed her to have her way, did not set appropriate boundaries for her in the way a parent should. I hovered over her because to me that was love, I kept her by my side for fear the world would hurt her...I guess I smothered her. That's in part why she now lives in NYC, to be entirely on her own.

My parents were of the opinion that I ''should'' learn ''life lessons'' through the ''School of Hard Knocks''. Ugh.

That is cruel.

They both had ''issues'' with boundaries, I believe both had clinically diagnosable NPD. They were not self aware (it was always, apparently, someone else who was Wrong and Bad, usually me )

A therapist did ''teach'' me about boundaries, but not in a positive sense.

I'm also wondering if I'm the only person here who seems to have been a magnet to Narcissists in the past?

I'm not clear about the difference between a narcissist and someone with NPD. I'm quite sure that my husband has many traits of narcissism, but he doesn't have NPD. I know I attract people who are looking for someone to take care of them unconditionally and they become outraged when I ask for my own needs to be met.I usually just don't ask, I retreat.


Sometimes I seem to share ''too little'' and sometimes ''too much''.... Of course that is a judgment though.

In my experience, you don't overshare, at all.

I find it more helpful to try to be AS IS, the complete opposite of my upbringing where I was supposed to be silent (then eventually blamed for it)

Yes!

I read a post by someone here asking if there is a support group for support groups I sometimes think that might be helpful And also support groups for those in therapy.. (deleted)

Umm-hmm, a support forum for a support forum and a therapist for being in therapy...

Peace,
Fuzzy

Comfort,
Beth