About now, I reckon (if you mean kill as in terminate). The thing is... You are completely correct - your therapist doesn't know what you may or may not have done in your past. I do agree that he was trying to help you feel better, but I also take your point that it is hard to feel better in response to his saying that when he isn't in the position to be making that claim.

A lot of people feel like there is something about them. It might be something they have done. It might be something about the way they are. The fear is that once the therapist (or anyone else for that matter) finds out about that then the therapist (or other people) will respond with loathing or disgust and reject or abandon. A lot of people have that fear.

It can recede in time. As you share things that are hard and see your therapist respond well.

What seems to be a recurring theme in your talking about your therapist is that he isn't very good at helping you feel like your feelings / emotional responses are valid. He isn't very good at taking those feelings seriously as feelings. I'd find it really hard to work with a person who wasn't good at that and I have empathy for your struggling with working with him.

Can you work with someone else? Or... Can you talk to him about this? It does sound like a hard situation.