I’m sorry ((hugs)) that you end up so emotionally confused. Unfortunately, that is how having a partner that abused/abuses alcohol impacts someone. It’s a very narcissistic disease and everything revolves around how they feel and that can vary depending on how much alcohol is in their system. Their addiction is drinking and drama. You don’t know if it’s safe to be caring or not and the next thing you know you are being blamed as the toxic one. And the mood swings can get negative when they continue to consume ending an evening with some altercation and angry accusations.

What you are describing about how confused you are is typical of what one experiences when their partner has AUD. If you were to go to an alanon meeting you would meet others who experience the same kind of emotional confusion and exhaustion you are describing.

I may have mentioned how the AUD can lead to psychotic breaks and auditory hallucinations. So how can one expect any normal kind of relationship with these challenges? It’s not and you wil be blamed so it’s best to end the madness for your own mental health.