In the last couple of interactions, I have been positive. When he asked me about my day I focused on only positive things. I did that on Friday and he didn't speak to me until today. I could tell he was upset when on Friday all I did was focus on good things that happened to me. Which is precisely one of our issues - that apparently all I do is complain.

He made an effort to discuss legalities of the divorce. He looked so pale and down. I felt sorry for him - and felt bad that he is feeling this way because of what I am doing right now. It took an act of God to stay strong. I wanted to hug him (as in a friend), but naturally resisted the urge.

I got to talk to a good friend of mine about this situation. She is now the third person who has heard it from me - I still have not told my family. And when I tell my family, I will merely keep it simple and tell them it didn't work out. I still cannot discredit him to my family - unlike him to his.

I was also thinking that it's not his fault that he was bought up in an emotionally dysfunctional family. I realized today (an epiphany?) that one of the problems in his family is that they are not allowed to feel what they are really feeling. For example, when my soon to be ex husband wrote how I felt, his brother's reply was that I was a liar. I was not a liar. The fact that you are not allowed to have your feelings and pretend to have others, is not healthy. Granted, some people have to move on at some point, but this constant state of invalidation of feelings is not healthy. Am not saying my family was any better either (just as bad), but I'm sure all our parents did their best.

He looked so frail, vulnerable, and sad. He also picked up my cat.

I lost my father when I was kid. His parents live about 1.5/2 hours away and their are up there in age - seemingly healthy. But you never know when you are going to lose someone. I have told him that he should go anytime he wants to because one of these days one or both of them will be gone and you do not want to live with the regret that you could have driven to see them. I never knew, when I was 10, that a specific night would be the last one that I would speak to my father. Had I known, I would have said something else. He doesn't know loss. He has never lost a close family member nor friend. I've lost my fair share. But I am not allowed to feel a specific way - always invalidating and pretending everything is pleasant.

If he understood me, or at least pretended to, perhaps it may have been easier. I cannot fake it that long.

Despite all this, I do sincerely hope we both move on and lead happier lives. But, in the interim, this sucks.

To anyone reading my ramblings, I appreciate you. These forums are good to let it out and ride the rollercoasters of life.