I think that maybe this is someone you shouldn't stay together with, because it doesn't really sound like she truly has your best interests at heart, or cares very much about the marriage either.
But you can try talking with her about (whatever the problems are) first.
If I'm hearing you correctly then it sounds more as if she's the one who does not know how to fight fair.
I'm not sure if you're doing any similar things when fighting back, or not, but at the very least she probably needs counseling for *her* issues equally as much.
Maybe she should go to therapy or maybe you both should.
And I know that the following probably seems sort of obvious but have you tried a marriage counselor?