It's been my experience that people rarely change unless they do it on their own. You can't make someone else "see the light" because they're usually getting their needs met in the relationship with you, even if those needs seem very negative.

Take my husband for example. He often seems he's the happiest when he has something to be unhappy about. It's taken me years to realize that he likes being there, is most comfortable in that space where he's miserable, dramatic, and affecting other people around him. Honestly, I don't think he really understands that he does that, and if you point it out to him, then his misery is suddenly justified. It's a lifelong habit and not worth engaging.

To me, it sounds like you've handled yourself very well, and if you need physical distance between you and your mother, then making a plan to move out is a good move. If you talk to her, she may interpret it that you are asking her permission, or has some say in your actions. Personally, I think it sends a bigger more direct, and very independent message if you make the plan without any input or regard to her thoughts or feeling. I feel for you, because I could never imagine living with my mother again. It took me many years to realize that my life is my own and I don't owe her any explanation if it isn't something that affects her directly. And sometimes she doesn't get explanation if the greater interest is protecting myself, kwim?

At way too old of an age, I'm finally learning the power of detaching and living my own life. It's amazing how often other people fall into line when you do that. Maybe it makes sense? Suddenly they realize that your not under their thumb and thats when they begin to worry that they are losing something. Hopefully at that point, they start to behave more appropriately, or risk losing you.

Anyway, JMO. I hope you get it all figured out. It's hard.