I keep remembering this guy from my last hospitalization (almost 7 years!). "Leonard". He works in the hospitals' IOP and does one program per week with he IP floor. I know from my other hospitalizations that he was boring and somehow I'd heard his same program 2 times because of his rotation system. But he's harmless and the one time he actually just talked to us was good.

Anyway, that last hospitalization was to get me off high-dose Seroquel and onto a decent dose of clozaril very quickly. I had been told when I chose that way that I would feel pretty bad for a while and I did, physically and mentally. No surprise. I kept trying to go to groups but mostly only lasted a few minutes. The pdoc told me that I was at the peak of the transitions and was excused from groups for a few days until I felt better. The best thing I could do for now was to sleep.

So when I'd tried other groups I sat in the back so I could leave without disturbing everyone. I explained this to Leonard before his group. He told me no, I'd sit with everyone else. I told him that groups were very hard for me right then and the doctor had actually excused me from them. (This is a mood disorder unit and participation is expected and an excuse is rare). He basically accused me of lying.

Another patient just grabbed my arm and removed me as I sobbed. She also said something to Leonard about how she's seen how hard I'm trying and how bad I feel. She was really mad, the kind of mad I should have been but was too sick to communicate.


So I decide I should try the group because I know he'll come to my room and pressure me into going; I've seen him do that before. So he made me sit in the front. And then he read something and went around the group asking questions. He asked me one and I burst into tears again. He tried to make me say something and finally the same person who saved me before told him maybe crying was my answer to his question. I got up, looked for tissues, saw none and left.

This is bothering me so much right now. I have no idea why. I have no intention of going back to the hospital any time and honestly Leonard is probably retired by now.

I keep thinking about it and how helpless I felt. Maybe that's it; I feel kinda helpless now. Whatever. I just want to stop thinking about it.

I also want to sleep......Good thing I don't have plans tomorrow b/c I'm going to have to take my full .5 mg klonopin PRN.


Morning to all of you!