My breast MRI is Tuesday and post-op and mammogram on Thursday. Anxiety is suddenly really high this evening and I'm fighting a panic attack. (ETA: I never actually had a panic attack. Just in case that's not clear. I'm sort of ok, sort of shaky still but I'm ok.)

I think it's hitting now because I was busy all day. I had a much-needed hair cut, a very expensive Walmart trip, a trip into CVS to get my meds because the car pick-up line was out to the street and then a trip to the library and then the bulk food store on the way home. Compared to the last few weeks that's probably 4 days worth of activity.


I took some gabapentin but if I don't feel less panicky soon I'm going to have to take klonopin. Which isn't a bad thing exactly, just I don't know what happens if I take it now. Oh, and lots of deep breathing.


Typing here is helping ground me. Thank you to everyone who has read this far as I'm afraid this may be jumbled.


I just want this over with. Other than knowing that laying face-down for the MRI will be uncomfortable I'm mostly worried about the mammogram. Last time I had one they immediately did a 3D one and then ultrasounds of both breasts. I assume that will be true again if anything is unusual which it will be. And that just is the cycle I was in all winter: test, abnormal result, test, abnormal result, repeat. I don't want more biopsies or surgeries. I guess this time would have the difference that I won't do it until my genetics testing comes back. I'll do that when I am at the hospital and it takes 2-3 weeks to come back. But those results determine how things proceed from here.


I really wish I could talk to my pdoc. She's the only person I know who has been through this. I am hoping to see her in person in Nov. We'll see.

That's another mess. I get my Emsam patches through patient assistance. They send the patches to my pdoc and they give them to me (or mail them if I'm not coming that month). Well the hospital mail system is slow. It's taken 2-3 weeks to get from the package being signed for until it gets to my pdoc's secretary. But this time it's been 5 weeks and no sign of it yet. I have about 15 patches left. There is proof of delivery so I assume the hospital will replace it if they don't find it (one box (or 3) is more than my monthly income) but I'm getting really stressed. I have emailed twice letting them know I'll be at the hospital next week and can pick it up so there's not more mail time but they haven't answered or updated. It's really freaking me out. I NEED that med....

And that's enough. I've settled down so thanks for listening. Maybe I'll manage to get to sleep early tonight since I took that gabapentin earlier than my usual scheduled dose. That would be good.