I look at it as living without the static. Some people just provide static (like radio or tv static) to our lives. You cant hear or see what your program is.

What you wrote about leaving a narc really resonated with me. Although for me, it was my mother who held me back, pushed me down.

I wonder if H sees you as his parents, that he never broke away from? He never became an adult because his parents always provided. He abandons you but completely discounts it. He is not there for you, he is there for himself. You are just filling a hole in his life.