Angel, you are suffering about as bad as i have ever seen anyone suffer. I'm truly sorry for your pain.

It seems to me of little value to debate the semantic nuances of love as action vs love as emotion. I would rather do something to help you. But short of recommending that you allow yourself a complete surrender to your healing process, I don't know what to say.

Your greatest possible act of love for yourself might be to allow yourself some hospital time. Not because you are suicidal, I hear you saying that you are not, but because it would enable your dr to really focus on you for long enough to make a difference. You're not really getting anywhere as things are, are you?

Your self talk matters. Yours is completely devoted to describing your pain and suffering which seems to me to only reinforce it. I'm not saying i'm tired of it, or hurt by it, but i'm thinking you must be. If you can't find the key to stop that, then consider doing something different in your healing process. Surrender to it Angel. You sound to me like you're losing ground instead of gaining when you are so near the edge.