This is mostly a vent but maybe someone else here feels as I do?

I wish I could start over with my T. I don't like what comes out of me in this process. Dependency, neediness, desperation...it's all humiliating.

I didn't handle this long time apart very well at all. I'm mortified to even talk to him about it on Wed. I sent two emails and they weren't bad but they scream of my neediness. Just knowing his assistant gets those emails is enough. I can hear the laughter from here.

I keep telling myself if I could just stop it then there would be nothing to be humiliated about.

What else really can be done about all of this? I know intellectually what is right but my brain goes back to what is familiar.

I think why can't I just leave T alone and face reality? I think I am the one who can end my own pain but how? Start reducing sessions to every other week?

He cancels a session and I go into a tailspin...if someone would've told me 2.5 years ago that I would act like this in therapy, I would've laughed...not me I don't need anyone, I practically raised myself.

Does anyone else find this process at times to be humiliating?