So sorry this whole awful situation happened to you. Is there a caring psychiatrist who could help you? It doesn't seem right that you a have to struggle with these terrible things on your own without professional help. I know it can be difficult to find a really good psychiatrist and I have had some unhappy experiences, but I hope you are able to find a good one. Wish I knew what else to say that would help. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words!