I had a friend who lived the kind of life you describe. He moved away a long time ago. I am not sure how he viewed his life. From conversations he seemed to have had mixed feelings. Mixed feelings seem to be part of the human condition. He was a very kind person and generous and a very unique individual. I learned many things from him. Since my English is not that good, I am not sure how you view your life. It is surely very clear in your post, but my mastery of English is poor.