@QuietRobot996 I’m so sorry you are going through this (((caring hugs))). Being married to an alcoholic takes a toll on one’s mental health. There is nothing you can do and your state of mind that you have expressed is sadly common and if you look for Alanon meetings near you, you will meet others like yourself at different stages of accepting and healing. Statistically, most marriages that has a person that is alcoholic ends in divorce. This is a VERY selfish narcissistic disease. The relationship IS all about the alcohol and there is no room for any kind of normal healthy relationship.

And there is ALWAYS a reason to drink as alcoholics are always THE VICTIM. And yes! They can get mean and even cruel at times. Also, as is the case with a narcissist, because you know the truth, you are the bad guy. They are DISORDERED people. And tend to be addicted to the drama too. They tend to be very immature and needy people.

You really need to distance yourself for your own mental health. It’s normal to not want any relationship, that’s because this disease leaves a partner emotionally exhausted. Some even develop ptsd because as you describe they get stuck in hyper vigilant state and become sleep deprived.

It’s time to let go.