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I am very cautious about suggesting that someone I meet online (or IRL) should leave or divorce their partner without having full knowledge of what's going on, because many times leaving or divorcing can backfire if it's done prematurely.
I understand that you don't have children, but how long have you been married? When did all of this begin...before you married, after? Were you ever a drinker yourself?
Have you asked your wife if you may accompany her to an appointment with her therapist or other provider?
Perhaps she has a diagnosis of BPD - but perhaps she has bipolar disorder. Or schizoaffective disorder, or psychosis, or...?
Much of what you've described could fit the bipolar disorder category - and some people who have bipolar disorder actually do exhibit only mania. Alcoholism/addiction is extremely common with bipolar disorder - as it is with a number of mental illnesses. And/or PTSD.
My point is that none of us here can diagnose your wife. You cannot diagnose her. Only a mental health professional (or a couple of them) can make such a diagnosis.
You're clearly in an agonizing and traumatizing marriage. You are clearly very angry at your wife and the situation. Totally understandable, and I certainly get that. But before you jump the gun and leave I believe there are steps to take. What's going to happen if you leave and your wife begs you to return? What about being in therapy yourself?
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