I think it's really good that you're practicing self care!

I can relate to some of what you wrote here even though I've never been in love with a therapist. It's all been platonic, not romantic, love. But still very deeply attached.

I've also "looked up" Ts. I don't know whether or not I'd call it stalker-ish. There are some lines I don't cross. But just google searching them or looking at their social media...if that information is out there, I believe it's their responsibility to make it private.

Romantic love towards your T is quite normal. It makes sense when you think about the vulnerability that it takes to open up ourselves to another person the way we do in therapy. What's not normal is a T reciprocating the feelings. And if mutual feelings do exists, it's up to the T to manage the feelings themselves to remain ethical and do no harm to their clients.

It takes time to work through therapy trauma. Be patient with yourself as much as you can. I wasn't in love with my ex-T, and yet almost 8 years later, she still can haunt me.