Hi Beth,

OP here.

This is a long history of health and mental health issues. And broken trust. I was an *****. Ten years ago I damaged my marriage. My wife found I'd been viewing P0rnography. No further indiscretions than viewing. No flirting with anyone ever. No texting or chatting with anyone ever. My wife had health issues and was clear After we were married that she didn't want sex. I used that as an outlet.

It was wrong. I was wrong. What I did hurt her and I know it. Deeply. I never ever thought it would cause her so much pain. It's not a "mistake". I did wrong, and I own it, and committed to her it wouldn't happen again.

I've posted on here for years trying to get it right in my marriage.

I said, and will still say, I love her, and see good in her.

I've felt insane, especially in recent years. I can't explain the irritability, sudden mood changes, personality changes, memory gaps and outright fabrication of stories to fill in the gaps.

I can't explain how shes really turned away from the kids.

She tells me she feels constant anger from me. No, I'm not angry, but probably constant tension. I've been walking on eggshells, and have been the sole income, and done most of the parenting for a long time.

In the past year our kids began to really breakdown from this stuff. They were experiencing a lot of bad things with Mom too.

I have a family member who was a social worker. I called her because she lives far away, and voiced my frustration. She questioned me a ton then asked if my wife drinks regularly. Yes, daily. She said she has the symptoms of B1 alcohol dementia, which is correctable but can become permanent.

I tried to talk to her about this and got nowhere.

I finally drew the kids into it after my wife told me, in front of the kids twice, that she wanted a divorce.

That's when I began more openly talking to the kids, and we approached her together. I was scared for her brain. Terrified.

I will say for years I've questioned myself and my intentions. Am I trying to look like the good guy to the kids? Or am I accepting Mom's anger so much I look like the bad guy to them? Am I failing to validate THEIR experiences with their mom, and some are pretty bad? Am I fully treating my wife like a partner? Am I promoting family unity. Am I acting with inclusion in mind. I self examine a lot.

Her thinking has become more disjointed inrecent years, and really unusual behaviors, and totally avoidant of any blame or responsibility for how things are. There's years of lots of yelling and swearing at me behind closed doors.

Tonight, now, I feel insane, again.

This is, let's say, an occasion in our home. Holiday, birthday, anniversary... I won't say what.

Me and youngest are home, Mom was out all day. Youngest is sick. I have one arm taped to the elbow from an injury. Today I did 3 loads laundry, on hangers, cleaned entry way, vacuumed, emptied garbage and recycling, made a special meal and dessert, cleaned kitchen after, got a gift, card, and flowers.

And then got an earful. In front of our youngest, for not getting enough cleaning done, and not spending more on the gift. A gift for someone who's divorcing me.

The kid began saying, That's not true. Dad did a lot today. Mom doubled down about how demanding I am of her for household chores. Kid said, That's not true. Dad let's you rest and asks us for help because you're sick, and tells us to be quiet for Mom, and Dad does house chores and homework with us all the time.

She had more to say about me, and then I wrecked it all
By saying, You drank to a point you've had big memory gaps. Your perceptions of things aren't right.

This is the third time this month I've been yelled at in front of this kid for failing to get enough done in a day.

.My wife is currently saying (right now) there's no possible future because I drew the kids into things, and I did so again tonight.

There it is. I'm not perfect at all. I'm human, and I'm reasonable, and I'm solid and reliable and a good father, and I've tried for a long time to be a good husband and I'm breaking. I said too much tonight.

The times I didn't say anything against her at all. Just took it. Tonight was too much, and I over reacted.