Well..... I don't know who to talk to about this. Like I said, I won't go to friends and family because I don't want any influence from them, and I don't want anyone to be polarized against me or her.

Two days ago my wife and I spoke and she told me she was shouldering too much of the blame for our relationship status and was made to look bad to the kids. I gave it an hour of thought, then approached the kids and spoke to them about my contribution to how things were at home and apologized, and assured them their mom loved them so much.

My wife and I talked again yesterday. She agreed to three months of intense couples therapy with a final decision to be made the end of February if things are worth saving or proceed with a divorce.

I talked to my oldest this morning. He got very hurt and angry.

Things he told me....

His work has counselling services. He's taken his siblings with him to counselling without our knowledge a couple of times because he felt they needed it and he wanted to compare notes with them. He said, I don't think I love mom, I think I love who you told me mom was. He can't be in our house anymore. He can't take any more of mom's anger at his dad. He can't take the effect mom's anger has on my mood, and me then being short and angry with the kids. He and his siblings hated my apology and explanation to them two days ago because it was just another example of me taking blame and mom not. Once he leaves the house will not be in contact with his mom again for a long time. He feels any change that we see will be temporary and things will fall apart again and we'll all be caught in it. He and his siblings have talked about the divorce, and standing up in court to say they don't want to live with their mom and they are ready to do it.

In the past two days his mom has told him he can leave as much of his belongings as he has to at home if he is transitioning to an apartment next year, and talked to him about getting another pet for the household.... While talking about divorcing and selling the house. He said he can't take that insanity any more.

How much of this is an accurate interpretation of what has gone on in our home? How much of this is just an angry frustrated young man who has never been in a big relationship? How much has he influenced the other kid on a course of action and on what they've seen?

Or, what if he is right about all of it? What if I'm THAT person, and this is one of the seven times I am going back to a bad situation?

I'm scared. I'm scared of finances. I'm scared of not having a home. I'm scared of losing other things that I look forward to everyday, like our house and neighbours and the space we have. I'm scared of losing someone that knows me better than anyone. I'm scared of losing my shared history and blended life with this person. I don't have any family or deep connections in this town. I'm scared of not having someone when I need them. I'm scared of losing hope.

RDM