It must be overwhelming for you right now.

I know you’ve written about therapy being unaffordable for yourself right now, but it sounds like you could benefit from some real life/face to face support. It’s understandable you don’t want to talk to family and friends about your personal relationship.

Have you looked into other options for low cost/free support? I’m thinking about Al Anon, NAMI, Co Dependents anonymous. There may be others, I’m not in the US sorry. It can be useful to talk to others going through similar situations, at the least you might feel less alone. You deserve more support than you seem to be getting (as do your children) imo.