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*Beth* · Nov 12, 2022, 09:56 PM

And here, I have returned, wanted or not!

I firmly believe that a forum, and the boards that make up a forum, are as active as the members want them to be. I have long believed that this board, Dissociative Disorders, would be VERY active if more people knew the board existed, if more people knew what "dissociative" - "depersonalization" - "derealization" - meant, and if less people were afraid to post about their experiences with dissociative disorders or dissociative experiences. I am absolutely sure that there are a GREAT many people who would benefit from meeting others here.

I experienced the (what feels to me like) horrible sense of derealization (for me, the feeling of looking at the world from behind a glass wall) for the first time when I was 9 years old.
(A quick bit of back story) Until I was six my...and here I go...just recalling that moment, I've suddenly forgotten the word I'm trying to write.

Until I was 6 my - here it is: family of origin was intact and secure. Then my father suddenly left (my parents had been married for 25 years; I had 2 much older sisters). Everything in my world entirely turned upside-down and fell apart. My sisters moved out, my mother became mentally unstable and terribly abusive, eventually remarried, and her new husband was a monster.

So. The first time I experienced derealization was when I was 9. I was exiting my house, on my way to school after a bad episode with my mom. As I was walking along the path leading from our front door I felt as though my head floated and suddenly, I was seeing the entire world as though I was looking at it from behind a glass wall. Of course, I was terribly frightened. But I kept walking, so as not to be late to school. The weird sensation settled, but I remained an extremely depressed, anxious child.

I continued to have episodes of derealization throughout my growing-up years, but only occasionally. My high school years were fun, away from home mostly, so my mental state was lighter. Then along the way I was married, then mother to 2 children. I adored being a mom, but also was exhausted and terribly stressed from a lot of hard work as a wife and mom, but a lack of sleep.

One day I fell asleep on the sofa, then I heard my infant son cry as he awoke from a nap. I immediately awoke and there it was - the derealization. I was 26 years old. And that was that. The sensation has never left. I will be 60 next month. I live behind a glass wall. No medication has ever helped, nor has any type of therapy.

Yes, I spend my life feeling quite lost.