Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelius710
A day or so without meds is not the end of the world for me, but I did notice some traditional bipolar bipolar symptoms come to the surface. Scattered thoughts, a bit of anxiety beyond the norm, and pressure of speech that caused me to have trouble putting my thoughts into words...
...My issue is, looking back on all of my academic and health and work issues over the years, what happens when the bottom gives out? Because it has a tendency to happen in my life.
Anybody familiar with the Sword of Damocles myth? A rich and powerful king sits on the throne with a sword hanging over his head by a hair, ready to break at a moment's notice. He has to be ever vigilant, always looking over his shoulder waiting for the thread, the hair to break and cause disaster.
I feel like I'm on that throne, just waiting for something to go wrong.
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Those feelings didn't abate yesterday. I had anxiety the likes of which I haven't had in a while. Thoughts running circles in my head and going so fast I couldn't get the words out. Agitation, not at anybody, but just a pervasive need to move. Struggling to breathe and not hyperventilate. Been a long time since I had a panic attack. Would have loved it to be longer.
On the plus side, I took the abilify I had been neglecting the day before. It helped with the worst of it. The Litany Against Fear definitely helps me. I find myself getting calmer the more I repeat it, like a mantra. In the end, I was still able to do my job, despite the anxiety and/or depressive symptoms.
The combination of it being my weekend as well as a good night's sleep has got me a lot less acutely anxious. The proverbial Sword of Damocles image is, however, still there. I want a contingency if and when something goes wrong, but no one from the government to my employer to my family are willing to help me figure out one. I have at least five semesters of university lost due to mental health issues. I know for a fact I lost one employer due to a manic outburst and possibly another due to depressive lethargy.
It's not unfounded anxiety, and I would feel a lot better knowing that I had measures put in place to deal with my mental illness that weren't a hope and a prayer.
Speaking of prayer (How's this for a segue?
), I will be meeting my mom for Sunday service in about 45 minutes. Should be good. I can show off my new phone, catch up, that sort of thing.
A lot on my mind for sure, but it should be an uneventful Sunday!