It is hard to deal with powerful urges. Sometimes it helps me to aim at small victories rather than complete conquest. If I do something that is counterproductive to my mental health, I aim at doing it less.

Instead of aiming at 100% control I congratulate myself if I can do anything above zero. For example, if I gravitate towards my triggers 10 times per day, I aim to lessen that number by one.

If I cannot conquer an urge I congratulate myself on trying to conquer it. If I cannot try to conquer it, I congratulate myself for wanting to try. If I cannot even want to try, I congratulate myself on at least wanting to want to try.

There is always a part of me above the struggle that is observing it, that part of me that doesn't want me to be conquered by powerful but self-destructive urges.

I am sorry that your brain causes you to gravitate towards your triggers. This happens to me too.

Sometimes I do it for noble purposes, to test myself and see if there has been some improvement in my mental stability and resilience. But sometimes it seems I don't really have a good reason for what I do, at least that I am consciously aware of.

I try not to beat up my brain mentally for its falls.

I realize my brain is doing everything it can to serve me 24/7. It doesn't make mistakes on purpose.

My brain is not an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-perfect being. It is a little 3 pound organ of my body which is doing the best it can at each moment given everything influencing it.

I hope you will not beat yourself up over what your brain is doing. Sometimes it seems like the brain has a mind of its own.

Wish I knew how to help you, but sadly I don't. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and respond with helpful ideas.

My heart goes out to you.