I have been seeing T for nearly three years. In that time, I can count the amount of instance in which I have cried, one one hand. This includes the time when one or two tears solemly rolled down my cheeks without an actual "cry."

Meanwhile, I cry at pdoc's nearly every time I see him. I wouldn't say we have a 'relationship,' per say-- I mean, we have a working relationship in which I respect and like him (most of the time) as a doctor. I know that he respects both as a patient and as someone who is in the field. This is evident in the way that he allows me to have a large amount of involvement in my treatment. I cried today in his office. I think I cried last time. I can remember crying at other times.

Perhaps this is because I sometimes associate pdoc with someone who is supposed to come up with my 'last resort magic cure.' I also associate pdoc with having 6 previous pdocs and 17 medications-- so whenever I am there, I am expecting something and then all the trying years of failure seem to come up at that point. So I cry.

And I can't get in touch with that at T's office. It is so seldom that I can cry there, for what I hurt for. There are times when I get very emotional in session; overwhelmingly emotional, in fact-- but it tends to come out in different ways.... being ungrounded, wanting to hurt myself, getting angry at him.