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lemonSys · Nov 14, 2022, 06:21 AM

Hello, @*Beth* —

I appreciate you returning - indeed welcomed

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…if more people knew what "dissociative" - "depersonalization" - "derealization" - meant, and if less people were afraid to post about their experiences with dissociative disorders or dissociative experiences.

This is why I am here: to learn about this stuff. TBH, it feels strange in a way to say I am here “to learn” about this stuff because I have lived it for basically my whole life - so I should know about it. And, I do, in many ways, and yet, in many ways, I don’t (not sure if that makes any sense). So, I find myself here, seeking those that can relate, and listen, and offer insight, and…?

As I mentioned, I have been diagnosed and treated for Bipolar (since I was 21). However, at 16, I was also diagnosed with PTSD and DDNOS (which is now obsolete, replaced with OSDD). I know I dissociate, but this thought of possible DID, is new to me. I have just started doing some reading on the web, but, idk, that is “cold”, not human. I feel like I need actual, 3-D people to…walk next to (for lack of better phrasing)…in this new territory. Again, I’m not sure if that makes sense.

Most of my existence and being and thoughts and feelings are followed by “not sure that makes sense” these days. Sigh.

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…the sense of derealization (for me, the feeling of looking at the world from behind a glass wall)…

Interesting. I describe a similar sensation all the time. For me, though, it is a wall of thick ice. It is an acts as a barrier/separation between me and “my environment” (objects, people). But, one that I can see through, albeit in a blurred way, which allows me to observe “life happening”. I don’t always experience this, though. Sometimes I can engage - touch, hear, smell, taste - with my environment in a very “real” way. To hear you have been “stuck” in this “way of being”/this experience/behind a glass wall for about 35 years (is my math right? Am I understanding what you wrote correctly?) astounds me. How do you manage? Has it become easier as time has passed? I’m sorry if I seem naive - I’m not entirely sure what I’m even asking/trying to get at/trying to understand. So…idk…

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No medication has ever helped, nor has any type of therapy

Again, kinda similar experience. The voices I hear have always been thought to be psychosis by the professionals despite my trying to explain that didn’t “feel” right to me. Not much effort was put into exploring this by anyone - myself included, unfortunately. I just assumed that the professionals knew more than I did and that they were “right”. So, because I “am psychotic”, I have had a steady diet of antipsychotics. The first did nothing, so the next was tried. Rinse and repeat. I think I have been on all the atypicals (ok, probably not all of them, but maybe a majority) with no effect on these voices. I hate taking any type of medication - including Advil - but I was/am compliant, as they say. My new Pdoc, though, is “ok with me not taking an antipsychotic right now” (her words). I was shocked to hear her say that, but so excited, too! I’m currently on month 2 of no ap’s, and, perhaps not surprisingly, there has been no change as far as the voices. What I have noticed, though, is less “zombieness”, if that makes any sense, which is a good thing

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Yes, I spend my life feeling quite lost.

. I’m sorry to hear this. Lost is not fun. I wish I had some safe advice/words of wisdom/enlightening message for you regarding this, but I don’t. Maybe lost is “the way it has to be” - whatever that means…

I struggle with my identity in several ways. List, seems like my norm. I try to figure out “who I am” because if I can answer/define myself, then this lost thing will go away. Somehow, though, I don’t think this is possible. But, maybe, there is a puzzle piece of “me” missing - the possible DID. Maybe, this will shed light onto a different path or something. Give me a new framework to work with or something. Then again, maybe not. Idk.

Thanks for listening/reading - sorry I rambled.

— lemonSys