pinky.. i can relate to this so well... with the exception that i do have a relationship with pdoc. But he and i work on my meds mostly... i do spend an hour when i see him once a month. i dont worry or pine over him at all. i will miss him when he retires in a few years, but if T retired anytime in the next 50+yrs i think i'd throw myself in front of a train.

i've pondered this too... if i am at pdoc's office and something is wrong i am bawling like a baby... but i could be dying inside and one tear *might* roll down with T.

i'm not sure why that is

for you though... you seem to have a strong drive to win the respect of your T... not saying that is wrong or that you dont care if pdoc respects you - they both obviously do.. but i think you care more about T's opinion of you in some way that stops you from just letting that guard down maybe? i dont know.... but you don't talk about your pdoc in a way that says you fear his rejection... and even though intellectually you know T would never reject you, you talk about him sometimes in a way that suggests a desire to make him proud somehow. Maybe the question isnt about them per se... but what is it about crying that is not ok? You and i both know how gentle your T would be with you if you did cry.. certainly wouldnt reject you or lose respect... so i just dont know how to define it either..

this is just observation based on snippetts of what you have said... no harm intended or anything... certainly no disrepsect meant.... just throwing it out there to see what you think. You know i love you to pieces.

i miss you and the caribou too... on an iceberg... with a polar bear