I finally opened up to my therapist about my ex-boyfriend raping me and how so many people judged me due to me going back to my abuser. A lot of people looked at me for being weak. When my ex-boyfriend raped me, I drank some wine that night because I was literally exhausted from his abuser and I was at my lowest. Well, that night he raped me and many people would minimize my abuse and rape, because I drank wine that night. I left him shortly after that because he gaslighted me and yelled at me the following day.

I was honestly scared of him after he did that. If I dared mention it again, he would get more demanding and the emotional abuse got worse. I'm so glad I left him. I've been healing slowly, but I'm dealing with a lot of struggles with trusting people or allowing men into my life because of what I experienced. Sex repulses me and I feel my stomach caving in, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. So I've not been dating anyone since that happened. I didn't go to the police, based on how people judged me for going back to my abuser, "Well you went back to him, didn't you? You kinda knew what would happen." I'm simply at my lowest and struggling here but I still continue to be strong. I've had many times where I was so low that I cried myself to sleep and I have severe nightmares and sleep paralysis. I know I have to keep going and I'm pushing myself forward, but sometimes I feel so weak.

I'm learning to love myself again and trying to build friendships with new people. I used to blame myself for this so many times based on how people judged me, but my therapist told me not to beat myself up about it. If anyone has been through something similar, respond to my thread. Please no negative comments, I'm going through a hard time already.