Exactly, rdgrad. It was a very difficult thing to try and "feel" as joyous and celebratory as everyone around me when I was very ill. Making the effort was almost painful.

I've done a lot of reading and self-therapy surrounding my particular diagnoses, and I understand much better where the gradual dislike and discomfort around holidays & birthdays came from. I subsequently have a great deal of compassion and patience for anyone who feels the same way I did when I was in the worst grips of my illnesses.

There are traces of these pains remaining. They bubble up a bit mostly around thoughts of absent loved ones. But that's grief, and it's to be expected.

I still have short bouts of anxiety before every occasion, but I think that will just be me and my worry that people might unexpectedly drop by---and my home is almost never in the condition I wish it was in!

Generally speaking, I enjoy almost all holidays again, thankfully---as I used to when younger.