I know exactly what you are saying. I have just come into the 'not-doing-it-at-all' phase after a couple of weeks of the most and worst SI for a long time. I got so desperate this time that I spoke to my t (we have never discussed my SI before) and I have just started CBT.I am hoping that with a lot of effort I can change my behaviours, but SI has always been an addiction I can't seem to live without, so it is going to be SOOO hard but ultimately worthwhile.
Do you have any motivations for NOT SIing?
(mine include not wanting my kids growing up with me doing it; the scars...)
I wish you all the best.