My main psychological issue is I get emotionally dysregulated. Some of the closest people to me are the triggers.

My goal is to stop my reactivity while still staying in these relationships, and to individuate. I know this is a huge challenge. All the experts say end these relationships, in general. When they are this toxic, they should be ended. I agree, but feel I can’t.

So, I want to keep talking about it and thinking about it. Yeah, I know I am still ruminating.

The problem has always been with my husband and my mother. The emotional dysregulation surfaced after married for a few years, after childbirth. But my mother was the OG of emotional abuse who started it when I was a child.

I’ll just jump in here—

I’m at a good place now with my mother. I call her every few days and ask how they are. She will rarely call me. She has an attitude that her children must all call her, and she should not have to call us because ‘she is the mother’. If I keep the conversation superficial, I can end the call without incident. I have to be careful to not take the bait she will do to me. I am pretty good at this now. Much as I try, though, I’d say 8 out of 10 phone calls, I hang up somewhat upset.

There’s a whole movement encouraging victims of narcissistic abuse to go no contact. I won’t do this with my mother. I actually really do love her. I see all the good there is in her together with all the dysfunction. It has been a symbiotic relationship between us, so I am not free of lots of bad behavior with her myself, antagonistic. I was fighting for love, respect, to be seen. Whatever, I now get that I can’t ever truly get that from her because she is not capable.

This past year, I moved far away from her. She says I abandoned her. When we moved, I invited her to move with us, to be closer to us. I made it a point to let her know I was not abandoning her. She didn’t want to. My sister told me she had told her, “Why would I want to do that?”. Yet, she still says she was abandoned. That’s what I’m dealing with here. Mom’s a piece of work.