Wow, Poshgirl, I see why you responded to my post on the other thread. There does seem to be some similarities.

I mentioned that verbal abuse book on the other thread, and the thing that I really got from that book was the inability to communicate with certain people. Your mom may fall into this category. You think you just need to reason and explain to them, and then they will "get it" and start acting nicer. But the reality is that they are approaching it from a much different place where they only want their needs met and your feelings truly have no bearing. That was a hard reality for me to grasp, but it's also made it easier to deal with him.

If the boundaries you're using right now aren't working, you may need to try different ones. It helps the more you can mentally detach and separate yourself, but that isn't always easy. I struggle with it. Dh has been doing his silent treatment and it's very hard for me to not approach him and try to fix it- which is exactly what he expects. When I don't do it, then he will start doing other childish things to get a rise out of me. It's exhausting at times, but now that I feel less attached to him, it's become easier for me to say things in a non emotional way to him. Like I'll say things to the effect of "I'm taking care of myself at the moment, what do you need?" Or "I'm sorry, I can't read your mind. What did you want to talk about?". Frankly I'm treating him like a young child, but in a respectful way. And he acts like a child at times, so it's not inappropriate. You're lucky that you can at least leave. But it can feel like it ruins your day after you've dealt with them.

One thing I've found that helps with dh, and maybe this would help with your mom, is if he gets on a rant, I have learned to physically break it. He tends to rant as soon as he gets home, and it's almost like he's prepared and spooled up for it. I will suddenly have had too much coffee and say something like "hang on a minute, I'll be right back.". Five minutes later when i come back from the bathroom, he's lost his flow. If you drive, you can remember you brought some food for her and go get it out of the car, go out to check on a bird you saw on the sidewalk, etc. If he's on a roll, shifting the focus just works sometimes.

This will probably sound stupid, but it helps me sometimes- I pretend I'm an anthropologist who's supposed to study this person. I agree with him, but don't compromise myself, and watch his patterns. It's helped me disconnect and see more of it as his issues. It was doing this that I saw the pattern of his ranting, when it seemed to happen, and that if I broke the flow at that time, it would often just end. Just observing his doing his own thing with neutral interactions from me has been freeing in a lot of ways. At the very least, I hope it's making me healthier. Guess this is just a form of detachment really.

Anyhow, I feel for you! I agree with you about not being her carer. Right now you need to take care of yourself first.