I am trying to heal myself and grow emotionally, and it is a huge challenge. It’s been a sporadic, frustrating, confusing journey with therapists. I finally have one now, just had one session and can’t see them again until the end of the year because they are so booked up. I am hopeful about this one. The diagnoses given during that time, though varied, were essentially correct. I really understand it now. It’s really difficult because there’s me and then there’s the pathology of the others who are closest family and have conflict with me.

The toxic back/forth relationship is called approach avoidant repetition compulsion. I have been stuck in this for decades and am desperately trying to stop the dysfunction while staying in the relationship. It’s been three days without incident and counting…