Hi,

OP here.

Beth... Why does she resent me going to my parents?

Because I didn't have good boundaries with them, and because she BELIEVED the boundaries were worse than they actually were.

Examples... Big and small. My wife had progressing health problems. I didn't turn to friends or neighbors, but I did turn to my parents. I needed to talk, I was scared. My wife was sick, and during illness often angry and abrupt. She also dealt with depression and was easy to wound. During this time her side of the family cut contact with her. The kids were younger and wanted and needed aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.

I didn't keep my parents away from us. I opened up to them more and more, both because I needed support, and I needed their understanding. My parents are very, very well intentioned people who are not the most emotionally intelligent. Great intentions, and completely miss the mark at times. I overshared about my wife's health and family issues because I wanted my parents' support, and I wanted them to "jump in" more with our family; see the grand kids more, be around more, have some positivity. They didn't. So I told them MORE to try to explain things to them. My wife felt I violated the sanctity of our own home by doing that.

I did it because I needed help, and my kids needed family, and because my parents and brother weren't "getting it". And I did it because they would keep it within our family, and they lived a few hours away so no one right here was privy to anything personal in our home.

The other part of this is, there were often things my parents did that violated our rules for the kids. My parents are in a very rural area, on several hundred acres of property. We said, no driving anything until the kids are 14. AT 9ish, my father let him steer a vehicle on a private road, while my father operated the pedals. We addressed that that was not OK. At 12, our son was 6ft tall and 170ish. His grandfather put him behind the wheel of a pickup truck in a field with no one around. My dad was also a licensed driving instructor. My way of handling that was STRONGLY REMINDING him this wasn't OK and kid was not to be driving yet. What my wife wanted was repercussions; no contact for a period of time. This to me was over reacting, because at 12 I was driving tractors and dump trucks, AND because the kids had no other extended family in their lives. I had no problem voicing our family's position, but I wasn't going to wreck relationships over that. My dad and brother eventually got my point, but not before our rules were crossed a number of times.

There were also losses of friends and family I knew my whole life. I didn't mourn these much at home because my wife was at her limits with a lot of stuff. She wasn't open to me talking about these things. So, I talked to my parents and brother during times of mourning. I needed that support, and she felt that was a violation given she wasn't on good terms with them.

My wife resents me for these things. She didn't mind I accepted money. She minded that I bent rules and violated the privacy of our home and turned to them for emotional support at times she wasn't on good terms with them.

This is the thing with this stuff.... There are two sides. I know some of what I did was wrong, but I think some of her expectations were too much, and her reactions were too much.

But THAT stuff.... I could work with that stuff. That stuff made sense.

THIS stuff in the last couple of years is just..... Mind boggling. Truly feeling insane during conversations mind boggling.

RDM