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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701
(SuperPoster!)
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Nov 22, 2022 at 04:06 PM
I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't feel very good...I feel fragile, yet I also see myself as strong for coping through this. I'm so afraid of feeling very depressed/anxious that I'm telling myself not to feel depressed/anxious because nothing can be done, so I'd better not feel it.
So, helpless,I guess? Afraid? Trapped? A victim?
My therapist and I talked, yesterday, about me not feeling like I'm a victim now. That I have choices and options. Traditionally, I have been good about making use of choices and options. I haven't been one to hesitate.
I've also never been this isolated (in a town with so few options for connecting with others). I've never been this flat broke, with zero access to any money of my own, except the $250 SSDI I receive once/month. The situation in this country has never, in my life, been so strange...wild at heart and weird on top (and to think I thought the Reagan years were odd!).
I'm struggling to figure out how to make something positive happen, in this place and time.
Anyway, to bring it to today, I have an appointment with med dude later this afternoon. I already feel like everything I say to him, he'll shoot down. I feel like he just wants me to say status quo so he can slide off easy and get out of there (he's there for a whole hour today). I'd like to tell him I feel he's minimizing my depression and treating me as a disorder, not as a me. But I fear doing that because if I do he may pull the personality disorder card - which they are known to do when you come right out and challenge them - then all bets are off and you are tossed aside as having incurable, terminal cancer of the psyche. A lost cause, untreatable. "DBT skills. Practice those, they might help. Make an appointment for a month out."
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