I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm grieving.

In the last two weeks especially this is tearing the stomach out of me and breaking my heart.

I love our home, this community, the life we were supposed to have, and I love my wife. I don't hate her. I'm barely even angry at her. I think she broke from years of pain and illness.

What do I want? Well.... I've become codependent. I probably wouldn't leave. This has increased over time, and each new step becomes "normal".

The kids are asking to leave, calling me at work to say that. They haven't received much of this behavior, this is just based on them seeing me receive it.

It's important to me to not vilify their mom. It's important they don't jump on the bandwagon against mom because mom was the one to voice divorce. I also don't want to normalize all this to them either.

When I stop and think about stuff it's bad.

It's the school year. One of the kids has lice. Last week my wife found lice on herself and came and told me. My response was, "Oh shoot... Will you check me?" That wasn't why she was there. She was there to ask if I was sleeping around, because it had to come from somewhere.

Gee. Maybe it came from the kid we've been treating for 30 days now.

The next day, zero acknowledgement that she'd even said that to me. When I questioned her about it no response.

I've been examining that. In another house that would be shocking. Here, it was just another night.

I don't know what happened. This isn't who she was. I think she vented pain and depression at me for years, but this stuff..... wow.

I didn't set mid January as a deadline. I set the end of February.

Right now I'm sick to my stomach, it's hard to eat, and I'm exhausted.

RDM