It’s hard to wrap my head around, but I just have to accept I have no more relationship with my sister.

She was very distant to me from when I was born until I was in college. She had no interest in me. I was ten years younger. I’m not sure that’s so common and typical for girls, but it was treated as normal in our family. She and our other sister, who are closer in age, didn’t get along either. Sister S was the family jokester. She would give people mean-spirited nicknames that everyone thought was hilarious. (Understanding all the narcissism now is not lost on me). When they left for college, I could care less. She quickly married a much older man, a father figure.

That’s when our father passed away, and Mom remarried. I was raised like an only child. She would visit Mom around once a year. I enjoyed her visits. She was the life of the party. But, I realize, there was never any discussion that was emotionally warm and nurturing. There was never any of that love expressed that I feel such a craving for now. I just never noticed the lack there of at the time.. I had the feeling that, as a kid, I was so insignificant in our family, I wasn’t included in any of the adult goings on until I was an adult. I felt very left out, unseen, very emotionally invalidated in general.

When I was in college, she came to visit me because she was there briefly for business. That’s where our friendship began. Still, she would only see me because she was visiting Mom. I would eventually go to visit her, once I met my husband. She was always light, fun, and, I now see, completely superficial. From 1982-2018 I never had a single conflict with her.

We were supportive of each other’s families. We were loving aunts to each other’s kids. She came to see plenty of my kids shows, came to their events. Looking back, though, I see there was some resentment from her. Our mother’s narcissistic ideals of what success looks like- my sister rebelled against it. It was not her nature. She was a tomboy and extremely down to earth. Her philosophy is ‘you are nothing, you are nobody, you are at the bottom of society and that’s the way it should be’. She raised her kids this way, and they had behavior problems in school, both ADHD. *I think ADHD is undiagnosed in her, me, Mom, and others in the FOO.

I married a man my sister felt was the opposite of her philosophy, who met with the ideals of our mother. So, I think she harbored some resentment there, looking back. This also became contentious in 2018 due to the political atmosphere. He was a republican, and my FOO were completely whipped up along with the rest of the country, escalating with the Kavanaugh hearing. They turned against both of us, just because they knew HE was a rep. They were openly, aggressively hateful toward us, even though we never had any discussion with them about anything about any of that, giving them our opinions whatsoever. This is when the unfortunate fb post happened. I expressed my hurt at the lack of civility. I stupidly called out a family member, simply saying that, simply tagging her name. Naively, I was hoping for a peaceful discussion and connection. I wanted reassurance of their love in spite of what they assume are differences of opinion over politics. Silly me. That was totally faulty thinking on my part. But, you wouldn’t think that would lead to complete discard by your FOO.

It wasn’t about my single, rude post, which I immediately deleted and apologized for. It was just the way our dysfunctional FOO operated. It was primed to fall, and I caused the chain of events because I asserted myself, wanting to be seen and validated in a completely emotionally invalidating family.

But this sister wasn’t even a problem in this stupid fb flame out. It was after Mom inserted herself into it talking about me behind my back, distorting the whole thing to stretch into confabulation that I said horrible things to her that never happened. Mom was on the warpath against me. She does this. We know this. Over the years there have been many times where she has done this to all of us. We have always commiserated with each other, supporting each other as we have been victims of Mom’s unwarranted wrath.

But this time was different. When I reached out to S for emotional validation at the very least, but honestly wanting her to say something to Mom on my behalf because I was not guilty, and wanting it to stop, she essentially turned on me. She rudely blew me off. That was all there was to that fight. It was just a couple of texts. Then it got worse from there. I took issue with how she treated me. I wanted an apology. I asserted myself. I was emotionally dysregulated over the whole FOO turning on me, especially now how she discarded me. She refused to discuss it, deflected like nobody has ever seen, an alligator twisting. I was so hysterical I asked my husband to help me with that call. It was him trying to talk to her. He got so frustrated with her deflection, changing the subject, he started yelling, the call blew up, that was that.

It was a case of both of us felt we deserved the apology from the other. She said I should apologize for involving her in the first place. The only way I involved her was I asked for emotional support because Mom was vilifying me. I felt she should apologize for withholding that and so intentionally rudely blowing me off. Neither of us ever gave those apologies. I was shut down every time I tried to discuss it with my mother. Mom was over her rant, as she always get over it and acts like nothing ever happened. I was just too disgusted with the way my mother is, and this incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had it with the narcissistic games. I was demanding to be seen! Well, I never got that. I got permanently discarded instead by my sister, and I have been walking on eggshells as usual moving forward with our mother, who has just gotten worse in her old age.

Yeah, that’s what this was about. I was trying to get the respect I have not been given all my life in my family. I still didn’t get it.

And no, I didn’t give my sister the apology she wanted either. I shouldn’t have to apologize for asking for emotional support from her. And she made me feel so small, and oppressed as she would keep saying to me and other family members, “When T is ready she will call me.” It’s toxic pride. It was like she was taunting me, trying to make me feel so small and humbled, to go begging her… yuck. It was such an awful feeling, I don’t feel like I can ever call her again.