Hi @will19. I'm sorry for how you are struggling and feeling like you are struggling in vain. I once read an allegory about the devil. The devil was telling the narrator about the strategies he uses to undermine human beings. He was showing off the various tools he had in his work shed. He pointed to a table and said the tool on that table was his absolute most favorite tool to employ when he wanted to ruin a human life. The tool was labeled "DISCOURAGEMENT." This story resonated with me because I've had a long history of battling depressive episodes, and those episodes tend to be dripping with strong feelings of being very discouraged. I don't think I give up easily. That's what gets so discouraging. If you put in a lot of sustained effort and have little satisfaction to show for it, you get demoralized. I don't know what is the antidote for that, so I'm not offering you any advice. My point is just that discouragement really eats away at a person's soul. I can totally see where "the devil" must get a real kick out of it. I'm not pushing any religious point of view. I'm not into that, and I see the devil as a fictitious character. That's why I describe the story above as an "allegory." It may be a "fable" - like Aesop's fables - but one can find some truth in fables. I did in this one.

Long continued discouragement leads to depression, which tends to make a person not want to get out of bed. (I speak for myself.) But that's not you, Will. I've been so impressed at how you stick to your routine of bike-riding. When you mention going for a long bike ride, I take my hat off to you. I can just see where that would really pi$$ off any devil hoping to own your soul. It's a kind of "win" that you do have. I know you want more from life, and I'm sad that you are deprived of more fulfillment. But know one thing: cruising along for miles on your bike, you are a person who has not surrendered to that inner demon. Cruise on! Frustrate the enemy, and savor the victory.

I took my own bike out of storage and put it on the patio. Needs repair and a tune up . . . maybe new tires. I'll get to it . . . eventually. Kind of cold out right now. I'm so out of shape. I really need the exercise, and not just for my physical health. Sitting here in front of the TV, in my pajamas, I'm letting that devil gain on me. It's time to spit in his face.