I have been having mental health related problems for years now and I have tried different professionals giving me different diagnoses and different treatments. I am so tired of this and literally nothing seems to work. I just wonder if anyone here could have any idea what this might relate to? Perhaps just to guide my way of discovering what treatment might be right.


First of all, I am very high functioning and I think that really stands in my way of correct diagnoses. I have a really good job, I have friends, I have a boyfriend and my own place to live, I can easily pay my bills, so basically everything seems to be fine on the outside. But I have awful mood swings and cyclical periods of depression that can be so hard to handle.


For weeks in a row, I can get get really intrigued by a feelings like “I have made it all”, that despite of many of my pains and dark moods, I manage to function well and do a really good job at work. I can become workaholic for these times, taking on so many tasks, being hardly able to say “no” to any new job challenges coming my way, feeling like I am proving to the world that I can make it. I feel drawn by success and more job opportunities coming my way, working my *** off to be better, more ambitious, more successful, more perfect.


Then, everything I need is a tiny note of doing something wrong. A bad look for my boss or a nasty note from someone I care about and it all falls apart leaving me feeling desperate and self-loathing for days and weeks. Feeling like an ultimate failure that does not deserve to live, I start to doubt all my work, my whole so called success and drawn in self-pity. My whole idea of my perfect self falls apart and my self-confidence becomes a wreck.


During the good weeks, I enjoy everything, I feel like I can play with life, like I own the life. I dress in a way to catch attention, I flirt and enjoy flatteries from random men. I know that I can catch an eye when I want to and I live for it. I borderline cheat on my boyfriend with men who give me compliments and pretend to be interested in them just to give me more attention, even if I found them downright ugly.

Then when this whole sharade drops, I feel like an ugliest, most disgusting person in the word. I notice all my disgusting ugly, fat features and punish myself with eating a lot of food to the point I feel sick to my stomach. Then I go on with days of hunger strikes and restrictions to keep my figure lean.


There are days when I work super hard until late at night and then I cannot calm my mind down. My thoughts race through my mind like crazy. I lie in my bed with wide open eyes and cannot fall asleep because I think about all the tasks that still need to be done and I have to take a sleeping pill to be able to get at least some rest.

Then at weekends or whenever I can, I sleep for 11 or even 12 hours and find it basically physically painful to get out of bed. Waking up during those days really hurts, my bones, my muscles, everything is in pain when I have to leave the bed.


During the darkest days everything seems absolutely meaningless and I just wish to die. I can feel this enormous pain that seems to come out of nowhere. A pain that cannot be really compared to anything. It is a mixture of sadness, melancholy, flu-like sickness and emptiness and death just feels like a golden ticket out of this misery.


During the good weeks and days I feel like I own this world, like I can do and achieve anything I point my finger at and my looks and wit simply win every situation.


What is this? I really need something to crack this down