Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzybear
Does anyone else here feel as if they have low self esteem, and that part of that is being hated without cause? It gets so bad sometimes that it can tip me into an episode. So many people have loved to judge me, from being ''very passive'' and ''too needy'' (so therefore, apparently, ''people'' would be ''angry'' with me, according to one Expert) to being ''passive aggressive'' - to being an Attacking a hole. SURELY I can't be all those ugly things? 
Others are allowed to gently and assertively assert their needs (or what the ''right'' thing to do is) but not fuzzy bear. 
Also fuzzy bear is never allowed to make mistakes. And never never to change her mind or get angry. |
I don’t really have friends but I totally understand what you’re saying regarding other’s reaction to you. I know I have low self esteem and I don’t care anymore. Where I’ve seen it impact my life the most is in general self-hatred and like you said above not allowed to make a mistake.
An example: I can be totally unaware of emotions and react to things in a way that ‘normal people’ would find bizarre. I have that mistake aversion you mention. Frequently I find myself at work where I do something stupid and for some reason I say out loud “you stupid f@#$ing idiot” or “you piece of s@#$” only to find out afterwards that everyone is looking at me like I grew two heads. A colleague of mine who knew my diagnosis would take me a side and say that’s not normal, stop.
I hate it because if I don’t care, why should they. And I do feel like I’m walking on eggshells as are everyone who knows my diagnosis. I totally alienated my two best friends because I was in my first manic episode and no one had the guts to take me to the hospital for fear of my reaction and because where I lived at the time the treatment would have been really bad. I get a text a year from them now and my gut feeling is to eliminate everyone from my life just so I know I’m not a burden.
An example of eggshells. This is a possible trigger and I have no clue how to do that reveal thing in html, sorry. I’ll code it as best I can. This morning I handed over the keys to a thing that shoots copper jacketed lead to my wife. It was my secret insurance policy. I told her even though it scares me not to have that in my back pocket I felt better than in past weeks and could let it go. The reply? ”I knew about it but couldn’t do anything about it for fear of what the reaction would be.”
Fml
I am deeply sorry by the way others have treated you. you certainly don’t deserve that.