So I reached a point last week where I'd 99.9% decided to take a break from counselling, maybe until the New Year. I convinced myself I was ok with that. Then stuff happened, H became very unwell and I found myself doubting that I'd be able to get through the next few weeks and Christmas without any support at all. So I changed my mind about the break. You said you'd be ok with whatever I decided either way; that if I felt H was demanding too much of my attention and I didn't feel able to focus on therapy but everything else in my life was going ok, that you'd support the idea of stopping until January.


Trouble is, even though H is being very demanding at the moment, the rest of my life isn't exactly going ok, plus I know what a five or six week break would do to me. Set me right back to having to build up the trust again with you. Having got to where we have over the past 12 months, I really can't go back there again, so another reason to keep going. Even if all we do is maintenance stuff for the next few weeks.


So we decided to keep it weekly for now rather than every two weeks, then the work in the house got pulled forward and I had to cancel this week's session anyway. At the moment I'm ok with it. Quite how I'll be feeling with another week to go before we can meet virtually again, I don't know. By the end of this week I'll be desperate to talk to you again, and then by next Tuesday, I'll be over that and thinking I probably could have managed a longer break after all. Strange how the mind works isn't it? When I can talk to you I don't feel I want to, and when I know I can't, I'm desperate for contact.

So many dichotomies. The constant push-pull.


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