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TishaBuv
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TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
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Default Nov 29, 2022 at 09:18 AM
 
Thank you all for your comments. You all did hit on all the points in the matter. It is rather simple to comprehend my situation. I am glad I was able to explain it concisely so that you were all able to understand. I feel like I have been explaining over and over to my husband who chronically does not understand me. So thank you all for showing me I am understandable!

I have tried radical acceptance for he cannot and will not give me that attention or effort. I have told myself instead I will be the initiator. But, when the time comes for me to step it up, I just can’t bring myself to do it. It feels forced and unnatural. Then I get resentful that he won’t either. I want it so badly the bad mood comes over me and I sink into angry depression in disappointment.

This weekend, he asked me, as to clarify because he is so ever confused, “So if I had said on Friday that I wanted to take you out to dinner on Saturday, that would have been enough of me making an effort that you would have been happy?” And I said yes. It’s not about a dinner out. It’s about him making an ounce of effort to treat me like he feels sexually, romantically loving toward me. It is positive attention, flirtation dare I say. IDK if I am being ridiculous or a baby throwing a tantrum over something unreasonable, but I think the point of being in love, in a relationship, is that element exists in that relationship as foreplay, the initiation to sex. It’s more than sex, it is the glue that makes us feel in love with a romantic, sexual partner. The other kinds of love between non sexual partners; family, friends contains other behaviors that both he and I express to each other, but we are seriously lacking in the sexual chemistry (verbal, emotional, the smallest of actions). So, I do feel in my gut that my feelings here of feeling seriously deprived of this in my relationship is accurate because it should be but is not there.

I want to have a healthy relationship or I want to gain the strength to end the unhealthy one I have. I know I need to keep working on distraction, individuation.

This has been scary, unsettling to say the least. I got something stuck in my head that I can’t stop, this conflict with him. He fed into it and keeps it playing out. I don’t think he intentionally disappoints and gaslights me. Even after consistently doing it for decades! I honestly believe it is not in his head no matter how many fights we have over it.

When we were first dating, he knew how to ask me out, he surprised me by taking me out somewhere nice for my birthday. Although, looking back, I see how he did it so nonchalantly, so that I should think he wasn’t doing anything, that he had forgotten it was my birthday, that there was nothing special, but then he surprised me with the nice restaurant. He has a need to be ultra nonchalant. This has continued and became part of this bigger problem. He is too low key to the point of completely emotionally absent lol.

Now there is very much to this whole thing as to what and why I feel in it.
1. I know I am very blessed to have someone who loves and is devoted to me. He says this should be enough for me. And he’s right, I wish knowing that were enough for me. I feel very spoiled and wicked to be complaining at all. But this has been so lacking for me that I can’t help it.
2. He does not want to end the relationship, engages in discussions with me about what is wrong and how to fix it (how to give me what I want or I will give up on that and what we can do to make it work in any way), then he either doesn’t act like he said he would or he does act in a way that is so subtle I did not even pick up on what he was doing or so awkward because he is so nervous and uncomfortable. I am so sorry it came to this. I am so ashamed of this whole thing.
3. When I have become dysregulated (crying profusely, angry ranting, wanting to end the relationship to stop the pain, then self medicating which is self harm- having an emotional meltdown), he is cold, never comforted me, eggs me on to take me down farther, encouraged and even gave me what was harmful just to shut me up, didn’t care what harm it did to me. He didn’t get help for me or himself. He didn’t stop this.

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