I commend you for being so open and vulnerable. This is very deep.

I admit I don't know what the answer is. I can only tell you that I have always viewed myself as a broken person. My story is very different from yours, but I was left deeply damaged. My needs weren't met when I was growing up, and I got into one bad relationship after another.

I'm still a work in progress, but I had to look within to meet my needs. Given what you've shared, that sounds so trite, but I know it has worked for me.

You've shared that you want to stay in your marriage, and you have the right to make that choice. However, your husband is being emotionally abusive to you. It doesn't sound like he will ever be able to meet this deep and valid desire of yours. If he does, it will be a one and done and then he'll congratulate himself on meeting your need. And then possibly throw it back in your face that he has already done as asked if you ask again.

I may be stating the impossible and the obvious, but you need to find a way to let go of your deep (and valid) need and take your power back. You have given him way too much. If you don't, you run the risk of living the rest of your life in this hell.

I also ask you from the bottom of my heart to let your shame go. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is soul crushing. Let it go.