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TishaBuv · Nov 30, 2022 at 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I have been reading the thread and following along. And I agree that your husband is emotionally abusive.

He knows what you want, you've been fighting about it for decades, and still he neglects to give you the one thing you ask for, which IS deliberate on his end.

He knows exactly what he's doing, and he knows how it effects you - how could he not at this stage? If you've said it to him in 100 different languages, OF COURSE he understands you! He's fooling you into thinking he doesn't! AND, he gaslights you, which is also deliberate AND an abuse tactic. Gaslighting is deliberate.

I agree that you have two options: either accept that he will never give you the one thing you are asking for and find other ways to be happy, OR you give up on the relationship and get out of it.

Tisha, I finally left my abusive husband - for the final time. And guess what? Yes, it's scary because I'm 52 and starting over and yes, I am alone and have bouts of loneliness. BUT, I get out, I meet people, I feel much more like myself since leaving him, I feel my true self coming back to life - as though the happy cells are coming to life within my whole body - I have freedom I did not have while under his thumb, and my self esteem is coming back.... ultimately, I feel GOOD, and I am FAR HAPPIER.

So, yes, while it can be scary to start over, the price you pay for staying in an abusive marriage is quite high. You live in misery and you live with neglect. I did, too. An abusive marriage deteriorates your mental health.

I am just telling you my experience after having left an abusive marriage... it doesn't mean that you must leave, only you can decide that, but I see the two options above for you.

Hi HH!

I’m glad you are in a good place now. I know we had some things in common in our intimate relationships. And lately we’ve learned so much more about narcissism, it’s mind blowing.

That question about if he is the most Machiavellian person in the world to intentionally gaslight me like this, or if he has some kind of cognitive disorder is really perplexing. I don’t think he is either. He isn’t that great an actor to be the evil, intentional abuser. He doesn’t have cognitive distortion in most other areas of his life, though he perceives some things surprisingly farther from the mark than I think I do. He does have pretty bad social anxiety.

Have you seen Groundhog Day? It is something like that with him, where he keeps doing something over and over but just missing the mark.

I would like to have the radical acceptance that it is what it is and go find fulfillment elsewhere. But I have never been able and am still not able because it still just happened again. I am not able to diffuse my trigger I get from his inaction/lacking. It triggers me to get angry, disappointed and upset. I shouldn’t have to even keep trying to tolerate an unfulfilling relationship like this. Especially a relationship that triggers me to the point I got diagnosed with a mood disorder!*(but this was by a doctor who also saw my husband and I question his honesty and accuracy, but maybe he is right idk.